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I WANT TO PLAY A GAME...

Tyler Norby

Tyler Norby

If this inspires you, then donate. If this entertains you, then donate. If this humiliates you, then donate. I don’t rage out and put forth this effort for nothing. Everyone that reads this can afford to donate at least a few bucks. Don’t be an asshat!


YOU WANTED IT, SO YOU'RE GONNA EAT IT!


Dear People and Your First World Problems,

Salutations! It looks as if we are finding ourselves in familiar territory once again. I write truthful analyses (ha, anal) on the horror of humanity that your existence represents while begging for money. You view it as lightly humorous and one of those things that you forward to your frenemies, whereas I view it as the ninth circle of Hell. Hey, Satan, what was in that eighth circle? Bamboo spears in my beanbag? Can I just do extra of that instead? No? I have to keep begging these poster children for birth control for cash? Cool! Good job keeping your jerk quota up. What’s that? You’re going to give them all staph infections on their anuses? Well, win some, lose some.

Hey, I’m back. On a side note, you should pick up some of those Tuck’s Medicated Wipes. Another year has gone by that gave me 365 days to ponder where it all went wrong. But I am one year closer to the sweet release that is death. Once again, win some, lose some. Everything is going in the wrong direction these days. My hairline is going back, and my waistline is going up. Your quality of life goes up, yet the amount of things that you place under the “can’t even” category when complaining to the other Karens in your coven also seems to go up and up and up. You know what also keeps going up? The operating budget for Oregon Humane Society, that’s what! Every year it takes more and more scratch to continue our mission of saving innocent animals and getting them into loving homes. One hundred percent of our funding, everything down to the penny, comes from donations. And the vast majority of that does not come from big companies or millionaires dressed like the Monopoly guy. It comes from hardworking, salt of the earth people giving the few bucks that they can because someone raised them right and taught them the value of social responsibility. That is what saves the lives of innocent animals every single day. That is what allows us to alleviate suffering by providing lifesaving medical treatment. That is why there are not stray animals running amok and pissing on every streetlight (meth freaks now fill this void). That is why we are able to rescue thousands of animals from high kill shelters up and down the west coast. That is why we had the most successful year of any single shelter in the history of the United States of America, with 12,062 animals successfully placed in homes and saved from death, on our sesquicentennial no less (that means 150th anniversary, you half a moron). You’re welcome, humanity!

You know what? All kidding aside, no. No! I am not going to justify this! I do not have to freaking (not my first choice of F words) validate the tireless work and positive community impact of Oregon Humane Society to human cesspools that damn well know that they selfishly take and take and take without ever giving back in any way, shape, or form. When was the last time you thought of someone else beyond your inner circle of trash and acted on it? How about the last time you alleviated suffering and were part of the solution rather than the problem? When was the last time that you stepped out of your I-only-do-drugs-on-the-weekend bubble and brightened someone’s day without expecting anything in return?

Holy Hell! That didn’t trigger a realization that you should exhibit some social responsibility and donate to Oregon Humane Society?! I didn’t realize that your conscience’s rock bottom required a deep sea submersible to find. Maybe you should instead buy scissors and swallow them. I mean, do you need to have this set up like some messed up Saw thing? Sigh… fine.



SCENE: Karen wakes up in a chair situated at the center of a dark and damp warehouse. She is startled by an adjacent television turning on and displaying a video.

JIGSAW PUPPET:
Hello, Karen. I want to play a game. You’ve gone your entire adult life sponging off of our community while never appreciating the tireless work of those committed to improving lives and protecting the vulnerable. Your son, Chad, is suspended above an industrial paper shredder. Next to you is a jar that collects donations for Oregon Humane Society. Chad’s harness will release in 60 seconds, shredding him instantly and ruining your chances of being the parent of a future lacrosse all-star. However, if you place enough donations in the jar before the timer is finished, then the shredder will shut off, saving your unique snowflake’s life. Selfish or selfless— make your choice.

Camera pans over to Karen, who is distracted by her iPhone and deaf to the screams of Chad.

KAREN:
Brie from CrossFit has the best thigh gap. What... a... bitch.

DIRECTOR:
(from off camera) Guys, this isn’t working. Can we have prop services swap out Chad for something better?

A grip walks over with a ladder and uses it to safely get Chad down. The grip then suspends a box of wine and Karen’s Xanax prescription over the shredder.

KAREN:
Nooooo!

Karen frantically throws money into the jar, which then saves what is truly valuable to her.

END SCENE



Remember some years ago when I said that you were a bucket of lard on a bad day? Well, I think that somebody left you out in the sun, because you are rancid with apathy. It is time for you to repair your hollow, self-oriented, first world, garbage life and empower yourself to affect social improvement by lending your financial support to our exceptionally worthy cause. It is not just the animals we help; it is the people, too. I have actually had clients later tell me that they are certain they would have killed themselves but were instead given a reason to live by the animal that I set them up with. That is no bull! It is one person and one animal that saved each other. Now times the potential for this by 12,000+ adoptions a year. Starting to see the full scope of Oregon Humane Society’s impact yet? What the hell have you done?! You trot around with your capri pants and your can-I-speak-with-the-manager A-frame bob haircut with gaudy highlights, complaining that you are so stressed raising Grayson and Kendall, and I have to beg you to be #woke?! Are you kidding me?! Maybe you should have begged society before shooting mouthbreather Grayson and monstrosity Kendall out of your slip ‘n’ slide and into this world to breathe up all my air. Time to step up! I am not asking; I am telling! Your day of reckoning has arrived! Pull your weight or put a plastic bag over your head! Those are your only options— you ain’t speaking to the manager this time! Just write us a check and go back to your cleanse diets (not real) and sweat detox (also not real), and I will eventually calm down and stop harassing you… for now. We both get what we want— I will get to keep innocent animals alive, and you will get an overdose of narcissism. Winner, winner, chicken dinner!


(No) Thank You,
Tyler Norby



PS: My archetype “Karen” that I pictured while writing this is a woman that I grew up with named Tracy. You know how every school has that harmless fat kid that is relentlessly bullied? Our school was no different, and this kid was one of my best friends. All the bullies, including Tracy, targeted this kid mercilessly. When we were young teens she walked up and belted him right in the face in front of everyone for no reason beyond humiliating him. That broke him emotionally, and he cried in front of the entire class while she laughed and the teacher did nothing. Tracy has never expressed any remorse for that day, AND she has never donated to my Doggie Dash page. You’re on blast TWO times, bitch!

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Congratulations on your burger contest silver. Just keep that stuff away from me.
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We are dreaming of those burgers! Bonus we will come to you 🙂
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Always the most entertaining Doggie Dash page—no, the best of *any* kind of fundraising page on the internet. You guilted me into donating again.
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