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TIME TO PAY THE PIPER!

Tyler Norby

Tyler Norby

I know that you have been patiently waiting for my annual Doggie Dash angry rant demanding your money. I have been waiting patiently for one, too, as in I have been waiting for it to pop into my brain. However, it just doesn’t seem to be coming. Maybe I can’t come up with anything because the tank is drained. I mean, how many ways can I say the same message [us good, you bad] and still expect quality results? Jaws 4 didn’t do as well as the first film simply due to diminished returns… and the fact that sharks do not actually roar like steroid-filled lions. Therefore, I am going to throw a curveball and see if it sticks.

The world is a cesspool right now, at least that is how it feels. This is Trump America, for better or for worse. Goodbye healthcare, hello cheap imports from Russia. Clear room at the table, because Uncle Vlad is coming over for dinner. You go sit at the kiddie table, Uncle Sam! The world has gotten pretty rough since the time of the last Doggie Dash, so I don’t know if I have it in me to add to that… well, any more than I already do with my daily piss poor disposition and regular f-bombs (that NEVER happens at work). A quick internet search will concur with this bleak evaluation of the last 365 days. The United States elected to its highest office someone with a dating strategy based on borderline sexual assault. Russia apparently enjoyed that garbage 90’s movie “Hackers,” like, a lot. The United Kingdom said “Bye, Felicia” to the rest of the continent. A bunch of creeps that came from an Al-Qaeda offshoot are screwing up things in Syria. In fact, A LOT of people are screwing up in Syria— just ask people in the town of Aleppo. David Bowie, George Michael, and Prince all took dirt naps. So did a gorilla in Cincinnati for that matter. The Kardashians keep breathing up more and more oxygen. The water in Flint, Michigan is well beyond the soft/hard scale. Disney World is too cheap to pay for more informative signage. Multiple major U.S. metropolises have a lower vaccination rate for polio than Rwanda because basic bitch moms (I just learned what that means) with too much time on their hands now know more than doctors. And let’s not forget about that bloated corpse man-baby in North Korea that is going to deep fry the world any day now.

See? Why should I add to this by making you feel bad about yourself? If it didn’t work for getting you to donate before, then why would it work this time? You don’t need me to tell you that you have a rancid soul. No matter how much you portray a strange blend of humanity and self-righteousness that can only be categorized as pure American you know deep down that you are human garbage that inevitably will die alone after years of choking down your own lies. Your day to day level of self-hatred is already so high that years of making you feel bad has only gotten me so far. It is like putting a hat on a hat. Instead, I am going to try flipping the script and reminding you of all the awesome things that have happened in the last year. Time to focus on the good:

• Medical advancements have developed chemotherapy drugs that are doubling survival rates of patients suffering from some of the most aggressive forms of cancer
• Pandas, tigers, and other threatened species have made incredible comebacks
• Citizens in India planted millions (!) of trees in a 24 hour period
• Rwanda has rebounded from one of the worst civil wars in recorded history to a progressive country that has the highest percentage of females in government positions, along with having one of the lowest pollution rates found on Earth (what the hell, America?!)
• It has been confirmed that the ozone layer has significantly repaired itself
• Females across the world stood up for their civil rights and demanded equality in unprecedented numbers during The Women’s March, which took place across all 7 continents
• State of the art technology has allowed some people with color blindness see proper colors for the first time in their lives
• The Nigerian Army was able to rescue 800 hostages/slaves from Boko Haram, a wackjob terrorist group
• “Deadpool” was freakin’ awesome, even if “Suicide Squad” was not
• Speaking of movies, both the Phantasm and Godzilla movie series put out new sequels, and they were great
• And “The Belko Experiment” was fun as hell… if you like watching a lot of people getting capped in the head
• The development of treatments for Hepatitis C now offer a cure for the former deadly disease
• Pakistan made incredible strides to outlaw honor killings
• The World Health Organization has stated that it is a reality that malaria can be totally under control in the near future
• Speaking of terrifying diseases, the Ice Bucket Challenge generated enough money to fund the research that was able to identify the gene that leads to ALS
• Global overpopulation is slowing down
• It turns out bees are going to be just fine (I have been saying that for years, but what do I know?)
• Oregon made non-binary a legally recognized gender designation
• Ebola was eradicated from West Africa
• The war in Colombia ended after 50 years of violence
• U.S. high school graduation rates hit an all-time high
• The Cubs FINALLY went all the way, the Cavs had the greatest comeback ever, and the Pats became legendary
• The cast of “Hamilton” stuck it to the Vice President
• Smart judges shut down the travel bans
• It was announced that Harriet Tubman will appear on the $20 bill
• Vince Staples released “Norf Norf”
• A pain in the ass mother made a webcam video rant about “Norf Norf” and cried out “Hos need abortions?!” with her children in the room
• Hos do in fact need abortions, along with all women needing access to a plethora of women’s health services, so President Obama signed laws outlawing states from withholding federal funding from Planned Parenthood
• All major fast food companies pledged to use only cage free eggs by 2025
• The most baller 8 year old ever strapped his little sister in the family van and drove her through the McDonald’s drive thru without a single fender bender
• The Oregon Humane Society maintained its status as the most successful humane society in the entire country, therefore making the greatest impact to the life of animals and their owners of any group coast to coast

There it is! Society isn’t such a lost cause after all. I hope this cheered you up a little. I sat here and typed it out for you all, so it makes sense that you can cough up a few bucks and keep a good thing that is making a tremendous impact to your local community going. I will get what I want, which is to keep this cause that I have devoted by life to going strong, and you will get what you want, which is to delude yourself with the lie that you do as much as you can to help out considering how super busy you are with your jobs, your offspring, your Hulu binges, your drinks with the ladies, your CrossFit, your shopping trips for Northface or Hurley clothing (basic!), your Starbucks gabfests, your… just forget it.

Write the Oregon Humane Society a goddamn check right now! I mean, what else would you do? Actually come down and help out? Like I have said before in my Doggie Dash rants, you’re an American, and we don’t do that! Just write a check and pat yourself on the back. I believe in you! I truly believe you can do this! You’ve had lots of practice writing checks, along with swiping a lot of little plastic cards, to pay for that façade lifestyle you pretend isn’t eating you alive from the inside out, so it will be just like old times. Make a donation and we can combine our efforts to keep TWO great things going— the Oregon Humane Society and your inflated ego.

Cue The Star Spangled Banner, bitches!

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