Like the rest of you I dogpaddled hard enough through 2020 to keep my head afloat in the sea of pus and boogers that is COVID-19. Some days were harder than others, as I’m sure you can relate to, but this dirty dog was determined to keep on keepin’ on. But then something popped into my news feed that shook me to my core. What crisis was it? Was it our health care system being brought to its knees? Or was it children not being able to get a proper education? Was it the rampant unemployment situation and the government’s fingers-in-ears-la-la-la-la response? Of course not, for you know that I care not for such trivial things.
What I read was the worst possible thing imaginable— Thomas, the blind and bisexual goose who spent years in a polyamorous interspecies relationship with two swans AND is Tyler’s personal savior, had died! My messiah had left me, and all I had running through my head was, “Hell, now I hope I get COVID! (#whatsthepoint)” Google SWINGER GOOSE SWAN GANGBANG 68 CHILDREN on your work computer if you don’t believe me. I was flabbergasted that New Zealand refused to give Thomas state funeral honors, but it is a country that has more cockatoos than people, so what do you expect? And to think Trump was worried about Mexico. Did President Russian Piss Video (#lookitup) ever eat a burrito and chase it with a shot of tequila?! No one from the country that produces such perfection could be bad. On the other hand, have you ever been around cockatoos? Trust me, they are pure nightmare fuel (#jerkbirdnorby #thehorror #parrotsequalprison)! Build the wall around the kiwis, for Christ’s sake!
I sat there rotting away in mourning. I will say, though, that I was crushing it in my little black dress and veil. My wife said that the platform stilettos were a bit too much, but why put on a bodycon dress if you aren’t going to go all the way and get noticed, am I right (#yassssqueen)? But then one day I heard a goose outside yell, “Le honque (#frenchcanadiangeese)!” That woke me up! I stood up and shouted, “No! He wouldn’t want this! Sexy Thomas would want me to keep going! He would want me to live life to the fullest (#rawdogginforthomas)!” I lit an aroma therapy candle (#whitepeople) to center myself, and then I quickly blew it out because it smelled… umm… pungent (#goopvaginacandle #tylercouldntmakethatup #cancelgwynethpaltrow). I knew I had to go on for myself and for America!
You may be asking yourself what the hell the point of all this is. Nothing… everything… I don’t know. To be honest, I am running on fumes here, so be grateful that I pounded out something at least mildly entertaining (#torturedgenius). The bigger question is… how does any of this relate to Oregon Humane Society and this year’s Doggie Dash? Well… umm… (#makingituponthefly)… think of me picking myself up by my stilettos and not letting the loss of Thomas (#truestorylookitup) destroy me while also doing Coco Chanel proud in my black dress (#alternativefacts) as a simile (#dontactlikeyouknow) for Oregon Humane Society during these crazy times. Oregon Humane Society is like me in the sense that when faced with the adversity of 2020 we here at Oregon Humane Society picked ourselves up by our collective bootstraps (#soundshomoerotic #notthatthereisanythingwrongwiththat) and made the choice to persevere. We put our head down and blasted through the corona virus all the way to the end zone, spiking that ball right up COVID-19’s candy ass (#sports #chronictraumaticencephalopathy)!
While every missing link was getting their chud faces (#failededucationsystem) in front of a news camera to scream about shutdowns being crap because they needed a manicure and wanted to get a burger and beer (#champagneproblems) the staff at Oregon Humane Society (#hardcorebadasses) were putting it all on the line, including our goddamn lives (#brasstacks), to preserve the covenant we made with the great state of Oregon (#beaverfever #ruinedbyhipsters #weheartweedandguns) to ALWAYS work tirelessly to improve and defend the lives of animals and create a more humane society (#hesaidtheslogan). Don’t believe me (#yourmomsaho)? Let’s scoreboard this bitch we call 2020.
First and foremost, Oregon Humane Society saved the lives of 7,204 animals by successfully adopting them into loving homes! That should be enough right there, but I will keep going. 4,513 of those animals were transferred from partner shelters, preventing these shelters from imploding and having to make very tough decisions (#gulp). Our veterinary hospital performed 7,044 life-improving surgeries, which averages out to a little over 19 surgeries every single day! Our Humane Law Enforcement officers, which are a subdivision of the Oregon State Police that we fund, took on 699 new animal cruelty cases, which translated to 6,183 animals with improved lives (#badboysbadboys)! We also assisted other law enforcement agencies by offering pro bono expert forensics and consultation in 111 different cases of animal neglect and abuse. Our medical team provided 2,330 low or no cost spay and neuter surgeries (#slutshaming) to the public (#helpcontrolthepetpopulation #thepriceisright)! We donated and delivered 100,000+ lbs. of pet food and supplies to shelters and food banks in every single county in the state (#gasaintcheap #towncondoniswonderful #townmyrtlecreekisterrible)! We also donated 23,000 N95 masks to local hospitals in the area who had none (#federalgovernmentfail #wedidgovernmentsjob #nobigdeal)! Lastly, I had a douche nozzle tell me it was against the Geneva Convention to ask him to wear a mask while on our (private) property, and I did NOT stomp his guts out (#personalgrowth). Overall, pretty damn impressive considering that the country was shutdown and had lost its collective mind for most of the year.
Not too shabby, but you already knew that. You also knew what you were getting involved with when you opened this page. Money— you got it; Oregon Humane Society needs it (#shakedown). Normally by this point in this sadomasochistic adventure the world knows as Tyler’s Doggie Dash Page I have crushed your spirit until you give me what I want, which is a donation experience akin to the boob glass scene in Midnight Express (#ohbilly). However, like last year, I just don’t feel right ripping you up. I mean, I still have the same opinion about most of you that I have always had (#bucketoflardonabadday), but why say it? It has been a hard year for everyone, myself included, so what is the point of piling it on thicker? Please consider donating to Oregon Humane Society. I hope that the stats I listed convince you that we are a worthy investment— that we have a significant positive impact on Portland and Oregon as a whole. We are Oregon Humane Society, and we piss excellence (#rickybobby)!
I would like to close with a true story and some reflection. I was recently on a drive for Oregon Humane Society, delivering pallets of free pet food to shelters and food banks. On the way there I pulled off in a sleepy town called Reedsport to stretch, use the restroom (#norestroomsforyouduringcovid #pissyourpants), and get a cup of coffee. I had just completed all three tasks and gotten back into my rig when a man came up to the van and motioned to me. I rolled down the window, and he proceeded to inquire about my Oregon Humane Society activities in that neck of the woods (the van is covered with our logo). I explained how we were going all over during the pandemic to help shelters stay afloat. He then pulled out a $20 bill and tried to hand it over to me. To be honest, this gentleman looked like he was having a very rough go of things and needed that $20 a lot more than we did, so I tried to politely refuse. He insisted, telling me that he had significant combat-related PTSD and the only time he has felt accepted since coming back from war was when he volunteered with the animals at the local humane society in his hometown. Not wanting to insult a man’s dignity I graciously accepted and thanked him profusely. I wished him safe travels and he did the same. As I came back through the town later in the day I looked for him possibly hitchhiking, as I had decided that I would by him a hearty lunch and a hot cup of coffee, but, alas, I did not see him. I stopped at a little deli and bakery on the edge of town and had the most disgusting sandwich and donut I have ever had the displeasure of eating, but that is a story for another time. Wherever you are, kind sir, please know that we put your money to good use, and I hope that you are safe and warm.
The point is if that guy can cough up some dough to us, then you definitely can as well (#dayofreckoning)! It doesn’t have to be much. A simple 5 or 10 spot really can make an impact. Don’t tell me you can’t afford $5 as you suck down Starbucks, you human garbage monument to… no, no, no… I am going to stay calm. It is what Thomas would want (#WWTD). Besides, what were you going to spend your stimulus money on? Bills? Being responsible? Yeah, I bet. Who do you think you’re kidding? It is like that Amazon worker was saying to those reporters as he freaked out during the start of the pandemic— you’re just going to buy dildos, and that is not essential (#speakforyourself). Saving thousands of innocent animals every year? That one IS essential, dumbass!
To my dear friend and mentor Tyler Norby whose dedication, knowledge and level head has made my volunteering experience a continuing educational experience and made ohs my place of comfort and personal growth. Thank you for keeping in touch with me through COVID, it kept me going.