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Good luck cancelling THIS, asshats! I'm all in for the animals!

Tyler Norby

Tyler Norby

This is beginning to feel like a deranged version of Groundhog’s Day, but instead of repeating a day until I find true love, I have to repeat an entire year until I get enough monetary donations. I am sure that this is equally disheartening for you, as you thought that you were able to shake me off and go back to your ways of selfish spending, peace sign and duck lip selfies in the bar restroom mirror, and ‘pray for [insert latest world disaster here]’ social media posts only to have this malignant totem of misanthropy show up to reset this yearly sin reflection we call Doggie Dash while O Fortuna inevitably plays somewhere in the background. I am the proverbial remora who attaches itself to your soul… and your bank account. Like the series of waves that make up a tsunami my Doggie Dash rants grow both in monetary strength and destruction of spirit with each successive year. Therefore, I suggest you give up, take an anti-depressant du jour, let out a cleansing sigh, and just go with it, which incidentally is my wife’s approach to cuddle time with yours truly.

Honestly, the scenery has not changed much since we last performed this dance, as in COVID is still out there and people are still stupid. Yes, we did just lift mask mandates and are getting back to normal, aka the forgotten times, but that is less of a victory lap and more of a ‘meh… good enough’ approach. People’s chanting of ‘my goddamn rights’ (admit it, you just read that in your head with a southern accent) while also becoming PhDs in virology and epidemiology from the University of covidtruthsandpenispicnews.4chan.fart created the human centipede of public health we have before us. It feels like swimming in a public pool― you know that you are swimming in a 50,000-gallon toilet filled with everyone’s piss, but it is screaming hot and you are just trying make the best of it with the limited options you have. While our country’s participant ribbon approach to health care has remained steady like a brightly shining light guiding us to mediocrity not all things have remained the same old, same old at Oregon Humane. Trust me when I say that Oregon Humane Society has been growing leaps and bounds, all for the betterment of animals and our community as a whole. We will soon emerge from our chrysalis and spread our mighty wings like a glorious butterfly. Wait, stop! No, no, no! Butterflies are totally puss, so that doesn’t work. On that note, vaginas are actually pretty damn tough with the whole push out a person thing, so THAT doesn’t work. But what are actually weak? Umm… oh, I got it! Butterflies are totally testicle! Perfect! But we are still at square one with the butterfly thing, aren’t we? Wait, I got that one, too! Get ready, numb nuts, because here it is: Oregon Humane Society will soon emerge from its chrysalis like the mighty Mothra, laying waste to all those who stand in the way of our mission to protect animals and serve society! Ha, nailed it!

Last June Oregon Humane Society broke ground on the New Road Ahead, the largest expansion the organization has ever undertaken in the 150+ years it has existed. Real quick, let’s just take a moment to reflect on that number. That is a hell of a lot of devotion to our pet population. Oregon Humane Society is the third oldest humane society in the United States. I think New York City is the oldest (hey, New York, don’t you have a crime you need to go commit while yelling, “I’m walkin’ here!”), and I think Boston is the second oldest (hey, Boston, don’t you have a crime you need to go commit while yelling racial slurs). Back on topic. The flagship piece of this expansion is the community hospital, which will offer comprehensive veterinary care for all members of the community on a sliding scale basis. This will not be some well-intentioned but underfunded social program that immediately gets bogged down by the massive scope of the problem. This community hospital will have top-notch medical technology and all sorts of specialist treatments that are scaled up to meet the huge gap in affordable veterinary care that is currently crushing the Portland pet population. This thing is going to be massive! All too often pets have to go without medical treatment due to cost of care combining with the ultra high cost of living to push vet care out of reach for many members of the community. It is almost like uncontrolled cost of living and universally poor wages across Portland have created a situation where both people and their pets suffer under the yoke of poverty. Who would have thought? This hospital is going to suture that wound shut (pun intended) and allow pets to receive the care they need and pet owner’s the dignity they deserve. Your welcome, government, for mopping up your mess once again.

Oregon Humane Society is also building a cutting-edge forensic science laboratory to assist our investigations into animal cruelty, along with assisting similar agencies across the country who require this state-of-the-art technology for getting justice for abused animals far and wide. Punt a kitten across the room in Portland, Maine because mommy hugged you too much and daddy didn’t hug you enough? Suck that pity tear back into the monstrosity you call a body, because Portland, Oregon gives zero craps about your excuses and just mailed you a flaming sword of vengeance in the form of damning evidence to cram right up your candy ass! Have fun in Shawshank or whatever you all call it. I think you will find out why the old timers call it “the pokey.” There are similar laboratories run by the government for Department of Fish & Wildlife, but there is nothing like that for seeking justice for companion animals and livestock. Oregon Humane Society is propelling justice for abused animals into the modern age. I know that C.S.I. is a totally different show from Law & Order: SVU, but I still think that this warrants the SVU clang clang sound effect. And for the record, Oregon Humane Society’s humane law officers are not b.s. compliance officers. They are real deal sworn officers with Oregon State Patrol who specialize in animal cruelty investigation no different than vice or homicide detectives. Think otherwise? Feel free to test that theory when they knock on your door, and have fun when they make you ride the lightening with their tasers. As my wife says, play bitch games, win bitch prizes.

The New Road Ahead also includes a behavior modification and rehabilitation center, which I know probably sounds like some Soviet era building where the entrance door is well worn but the exit door still looks sparkling new. However, I assure you it is something quite positive and efficacious. Unfortunate as it is, the stark reality is that Oregon Humane Society often assists animals that have experienced significant neglect and abuse that has created lasting mental and emotional scarring and by extension real behavioral barriers to being adopted by a loving owner. It is understandable that if you have been conditioned to believe that you are at serious risk of being harmed or even murdered, then you will be weary of meeting a stranger and cuddling with them. If that is the obverse side of the reality coin, then the reverse side of said coin is that at Oregon Humane Society, where we rescue more animals than any other single shelter in the United States, the fast pace and high volume of our operations makes it difficult to give these very complex cases the significant amount of time and attention they require. But Oregon Humane Society is not going to piss and moan with the defeatist mentality of we can’t do this and we can’t do that. This new center is Oregon Humane Society’s emphatic response that we can and we will! This center will provide those animals with a calm and nurturing environment where their needs will be met through a comprehensive and individually tailored program of rehabilitation that utilizes multiple disciplines, including training, psychology, and veterinary medicine, to help get them to that end goal of successful adoption. This center represents hope, along with second chances. No longer will Oregon Humane Society have to say we are doing the best we can. With this center the qualifier of “we can” will no longer be necessary. Oregon Humane Society will now say we are doing the best, period!

Lastly, the New Road Ahead includes the construction of an emergency animal shelter, commonly referred to as an EAS, which is a stand alone shelter building designed to be modular for adapting to the unique needs of each situation. These are used for emergency large scale intakes, often with minimal prep time. Think of it like a Red Cross refugee camp, but for animals instead of people. So many times over the years Oregon Humane Society has had to hit the panic button when some other agency, human or animal, went to check up on something totally unrelated to the 100 animals living in squalor they unexpectedly came across. That is when Oregon Humane Society springs into action, setting up animal housing and medical treatment, often in our warehouse. Hell, for the infamous akita case in 2013-2014 we had to rent a warehouse in St. Johns, and it was sketch city! We found hookers turning tricks at our loading docks. I had to call the cops on a guy that was smoking PCP and then began jacking it in our bushes. The bomb squad even had to come out and do an onsite detonation of a pipe bomb! But we did it― we got the job done and saved 125 dogs, 20 horses, and a random cat. When you hold up the torch that illuminates the need for animal welfare and justice across our community you do not have the option to say no. We step up and take care of business, but again it is one of those do-the-best-you-can scenarios since our current facilities are not set up for these large-scale intakes. The New Road Ahead’s stand alone EAS facility is designed to provide those sad animals the very best from day one. No more jerry rigging and retrofitting some warehouse. This facility will be built from the ground up to have every utility and amenity staff would need to best serve the rescued animals on their road to recovery. Just picture some rough looking tomcat and I sitting in matching shiatsu massage chairs and pounding Coors Lights. Welcome to the good life, Mr. Scruffles!

Well, technically the last thing with the New Road Ahead is a warehouse, but that is not too exciting. They knocked down all of the old structures on the building site, save one giant warehouse that is being remodeled to make it up to code and usable for the shelter’s needs. It will probably be used for inventory, storage, and facilities maintenance services. Again, not that exciting, but it is still part of the New Road Ahead all the same. Maybe it is haunted, though. If it is haunted, then hopefully it is a cool ghost. Not a rattling chains ghost, but rather a “hey, wanna get this party started and smoke some of this ghost vapor with me” kind of a ghost. I mean, it is a warehouse, so it is already a primo spot for a ghost rave. Just sayin’.

Just so it is clear, the New Road Ahead is not some pie in the sky project that exists only in artistic renderings from some architectural firm. This is really happening! The aforementioned buildings are framed up with skilled men and women cranking away on them every single day. It is all right next to our main campus, so drive by and take a look if you do not believe me. Oregon Humane Society is carving a new forefront in animal welfare, one that serves pets, owners, and the community better than has ever been done before. A great moment in the evolution of animal welfare is upon us, and Oregon Humane Society is its epicenter. The only way this could be any clearer would be if the monolith from 2001: A Space Odyssey was smack dab in the middle of the construction site. I thought that I summed it up very well in last year’s rant, so I am just going to half-ass it and copy and paste: we are Oregon Humane Society, and we are the real fucking deal!

But for our community to reap these immense benefits people need to sow. As I like to say in my Doggie Dash rants your day of reckoning is here! Oregon Humane Society exists solely to give, whereas you exist solely to take. That one-way street is about to turn into a two-lane highway with a tunnel right down your throat! Oregon Humane Society receives jack nothing in government tax support, as in its sole source of revenue, revenue it completely uses for the betterment of society, is from donations. And the New Road Ahead ain’t cheap! Between the construction, equipment, and staffing to get it all up and running Oregon Humane Society will be looking at a bill for 40 million dollars. Million! For you dumb dumbs that means this number: $40,000,000. On a side note, if you actually needed me to write that out in order to figure out how many zeroes it is please keep your donation and use it to buy ivermectin, and don’t forget to feed it to your inbred kids, too. You delude the world and yourself with a façade of compassion and humanity, but your life is really just the walking embodiment of a Kid Rock greatest hits album. You are the Jonestown of empathy. You have no meaningful purpose beyond matching your children’s outfits for family photos, margarita Mondays, and wearing sunglasses indoors, which are not purposes at all, but rather worthless ephemera in a directionless existence. But now you can have a real purpose― my purpose! I have devoted my life to Oregon Humane Society’s cause. You can bet your ass that I would not have stayed all these years if this were not a truly noble and society-changing cause. My time at Oregon Humane Society has not always been perfect (mention a dog’s penis multiple times in its adoption summary on the organization website and all of a sudden you have to sit down with management), but it has always been meaningful. Once, many years ago, I almost left for what I thought would be my dream job― cock inspector. It turned out that it just involved getting pecked by angry chickens for the Department of Agriculture, so it was all a misunderstanding on my part anyway. It took that failed search for what I thought was my dream job to realize that I already had it the entire time.

Donate to Oregon Humane Society and be the solution rather than the problem. You will be a part of what will be a true apex in the advancement of animal welfare and the golden standard for all other organizations to lift themselves to. Anything helps. Truly anything. Remember, the pillar of charity is not WHAT you give; it is THAT you give. Now reach those dick mittens you call hands into your wallet and start giving us some money and giving yourself a get out of moral jail free card. It will be a breakthrough moment for you, similar to the well pump scene in The Miracle Worker. If after donating you are expecting the water of redemption to flow out of that proverbial well pump connected to your soul, then I would not hold my breath if I was you. It isn’t going to be water spewing out; it is going to be pus.

Tyler Norby

Author’s Note: With last year’s rant (#petsbeforedildos) I hit the rarely touched pinnacle of artistic expression, like when Altdorfer painted The Battle of Alexander at Issus or when 2 Live Crew recorded Me So Horny. Therefore, although I cannot meet your expectations to best last year’s rant, I still hope that you enjoyed this year’s rant and will reward my effort, rage, and guttural disappointment in all things you with a donation to Oregon Humane Society. Thank you, and as always, me love you long time.

This is 75% of my coworkers



This is me and Mr. Scruffles!


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